Looking Back
by parliament of owls
Summary: You feel her reaching for you. As the pull gets stronger, you see her, young and ever beautiful and opening her arms to you with that beautiful smile on her face.


Looking back, you've always felt it, that pull of your soul, straining towards another. You didn't always know what to call it, or even that it was there. But sitting by her now, you can trace it back to that day in first grade when, during recess, the boys had been calling you stupid and pushed you off the jungle gym. Before you even started crying you heard the yelps and a girl yelling words you didn't understand. Through teary eyes you saw her jump off the (now empty) jungle gym and offer you her hand.

"Those stupid idiots won't be doing that any time soon" she said. You looked around for them, confused for a moment, before you spotted them running off towards the opposite end of the playground. You were overwhelmed just then, so happy that this girl had stood up for you and maybe you could even be friends or like best friends forever and ever because she's obviously the prettiest nicest most wonderful person you've ever met. You pull her into a fierce hug.

"I'm Brittany," you say after a while. "Wanna be friends?"

"Santana. And that would be awesome" She looks away with a shy smile and you wonder if she feels this too-big happiness too.

* * *

The two of you were inseparable. You had been since that day in first grade. You still felt that too-big happiness sometimes, especially when she did something nice or protected you from bullies. It wasn't until the summer after you both turned thirteen that you really understood what that too-big happiness was. When you had both gone to visit family, you in New Mexico and her in Puerto Rico, you were tall and awkward, all knees and elbows and you two couldn't wait until you started to be adults. It was just after the end of July when you got to see her again (no longer all knees and elbows, the slight rounding of her hips and her now noticeable breasts) and that too-big happiness started to feel different. It turned into a longing so powerful you couldn't help it. You leaned in and kissed her, feeling your soul reach out to hers in a way that was both wonderful and terrifying. When she kissed you back, you felt her soul reach out too.

* * *

A year later, she was curled up in your arms in your tent at cheer camp. You were both exhausted, but when she kissed you, it set you on fire. You made love to her for the first time that night, and you could feel that pull. But this time, you weren't reaching for her, you felt complete, like her soul was twining with yours. You knew that night that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her. But you could see the fear in her eyes after, see her walls go up and, though it became a habit for the two of you, it pained you that she seemed to be desperately trying to hide it, pushing it away and sealing it inside herself like a disease that needed to be contained so it wouldn't spread.

Every time she denied it, turned away from you and hid behind her walls, it tugged painfully. At the time, you resented it. Not being able to be with her the way you hoped you both wanted because she was so afraid.

When you turned to Artie, you thought that maybe that pull of your soul and that ache in your heart could be relieved. Maybe you could not want her the same way she seemed to not want you. He loved you openly and proudly, but you just felt that ever-present pull and, because of her absence, you felt empty.

That day at the lockers when she bared her soul to you and you turned away, you tried to think it was because you were happy, but you knew it was because she wasn't ready. You know now that it was a good decision, you were both in a better place when the time finally came and you were together. But in that moment, when she flinched like your touch burned her and fled, you felt it tear your heart to shreds. You went home and sobbed into your pillow that still smelled of her, hoping to any god that might listen that you didn't just chase away the only one who made you feel complete. You sobbed and begged and prayed for weeks, slowly giving up hope until she sang you the most beautiful song you had ever heard. But she was still hiding and still terrified. It pulled hardest during those times, it hurt the most, you know it was because you were missing the one whose soul was intertwined with your own.

* * *

You talked after nationals, both leaving to visit family with the hope that things would be different when you returned. It took long nights of talking and listening and crying and loving for you to know that she really wanted to be with you. You spent the rest of the summer in each other's arms, not caring that it was still secret because she was talking about feelings and admitting to you that she loved you and she had a plan. She was working on it, on coming out and being with you proudly. That was all that mattered to you, that she might be ready one day.

* * *

When Finn outed her your senior year, you could see it in her eyes, she was breaking. You held her in your arms and felt her shatter to pieces. You broke too, tears quietly falling from your eyes as the tattered shreds of your soul tried desperately to pick up the pieces of her and put her back together. You helped her mend, the pieces of you patching her up until you both were one, whole and stronger than before.

* * *

You felt complete. Your life together was happy and comfortable and you only ever felt that painful tugging at your soul when you were away with your dance company or she was away on tour, filling stadiums with her voice. Your reunions were always the happiest moment of your life, until your wedding day. Seeing her walk down the aisle, stunning in a simple and elegant white dress, you felt your soul fly. You still carry that image with you, holding onto it desperately for when she's no longer there.

* * *

You feel it every day, this connection, more powerful than any emotion you've ever experienced, more beautiful and satisfying than any dance you've ever performed. She is yours, has always been yours, and you are hers, proudly so.

Now, as you sit by her hospital bed 60 years after that first wonderful kiss in the park behind your house, you feel it more than ever. You remember getting the news, her hand gripping yours tightly as you try to process what the doctor is saying. Something about late stages and months left. You remember telling your children that it was terminal and your grandchildren that abuela was going away soon. You know that the time is here, and she looks so small, hooked up to so many wires and IVs. But she's smiling at you as if to say, don't worry, it will be alright.

"Come lay with me" she says. You climb up carefully and hold her frail frame. You can see the fear in her eyes and try not to let the tears fall, you should be strong for her, as she's trying to be for you. It doesn't work.

"I love you so much" you sob, holding her as close as you can. "Please don't leave me".

She struggles for breath and says, whisper-soft "I love you too, please, just stay with me."

"Always" you whisper.

You can feel it now. As she drifts off and her breathing slows, you feel your soul reaching for hers, begging her to stay just a little longer. As she breathes out for the last time, you feel yourself being torn apart, the tears flowing freely down your face as you wish for more time with her. You hold her, feeling her growing colder in your arms and even now, you notice how beautiful she is. You can feel it still, your soul fighting and tearing, trying to be free of your body and be with her. Through your sobs you realize it's the only thing you've ever wanted. So you slowly let your tears run dry, and let go. You feel her reaching for you. As the pull gets stronger, you see her, young and ever beautiful and opening her arms to you with that beautiful smile on her face. You take your last breath and run into her open arms.


End file.
